Priest Simulator

Review

Your name is Orlok, a vampire who has only one goal in mind, to become the ultimate badass in the infernet! After one extraordinary battle against a top-ranked infernet opponent, his escape route, an elevator, went wrong! He and his beloved, the infernet superstar Vamela, were projected all the way up to a small village in Poland named San De Ville. Their elevator crash-landed straight into the roof of the church, and the emissary priest sent to the village by the Pope took away Orlork's vampire superpower! Now stripped of his superpowers, Orlok needs to get them back and find his way back to hell.

Priest Simulator is a first-person exploration game developed by Asmodev and published by Ultimate Games S.A. on the 6^th of October 2022 on the Steam Platform.

What an odd game, to say the least! Most of the characters look like full-sized polished wooden toys with clothes on, and some have really strange faces. The voice acting is totally absurd; Orlok's voice sounds croaky and asthmatic, while others sound ridiculous. The story has some out-there humour, but you know what?  For some strange reason, it does make some sense and is quite fun to play.

So, when Orlok crash-landed into the San de Ville Church, his superpowers were stripped away by the pastor who the Pope sent to renovate the village church. You may ask why? Well, pastor Torpedo blew the money he was supposed to use to renovate the church in a game of poker, so the arrival of Orlok was a blessing from God, so to speak.

From that moment, Orlok has to follow the pastor's demands/tasks in the hope of getting his superpowers back. The village is not really big, and you have a map to get your bearings. The map will show you shops where you can buy some goodies for new weapons, for the church, and for houses including houses where you can perform exorcisms, and that's about it.

You'll find blueprints to upgrade your weapons as you move through the game. And as with all good priests, these updates are done in the church basement. However, you will need to gather two items for most of these upgrades: metal tapes (audio cassette) and black metals. All the tapes I have found so far were in buildings while completing a task, but the black metals can be earned by performing an exorcism; check the map to see in which house your talent will be needed. I was stuck at one stage where I accidentally upgraded one of my gloves instead of the baseball bat, which was the task I had to do to proceed further into the game.

Orlok will be fighting pretty much on every corner of the map as the Shatanish, people dressed in red with hoodies or masks, will be stationed all over the place. And as soon as they see him, they rush toward him. Some will have forks, baseball bats or shotguns, and he might need some help from the Christianish people (the people in blue) to defeat some of the groups. Then, all he has to do is to bless them, and they will follow him. Orlok’s arsenal will be a combination of weapons and gloves with special gizmos. Orlok will also need to clean the village of graffiti, which is on pretty much all the buildings’ exteriors and interiors. At one stage, he can summon a car to go around the village a bit faster.

As I mentioned above, the game is a bit out there and rough around the edges, but it is quite fun with some humour. Just be aware that when you launch the game for the first time, the voice-over is set in Polish (maybe as a homage to Jean-Paul II).  Whatever the reason, you'll need to change the settings to English, otherwise, it will be all Polish to you.

The graphics are quite good, and the game runs smoothly. At this stage, you can play in Polish or English. However, I must say that there are some expressions they come up with that I have never heard in English before. Is it done on purpose? Maybe, otherwise, they need to look over the translations because they don't make sense. In terms of control, the mouse and the keyboard are the current settings.

Review written by THE CPT FROGGY for Zeepond.com

Priest Simulator Steam Store Page